A Coaches Blog
Years ago, I played a little ball with this cat who ventured into the crazy profession of coaching at about the same time I did. This was long before there was such a thing as a blog, but my friend got himself into a unique situation and started sending emails out after games (he was blogging before blogging existed), and I saved them all. With his permission, under the condition that I fictionalize all the names and places, I will attempt to tell this story. I remember my friend as a walking bucket, so for this section, we will call him Coach McBuckets, and I will attempt to bleep out some of the language used in the original post (this is a family-friendly site, and at this time, Coach McBuckets was not a family-friendly writer). This is a story of a basketball season with no hope for a victory, no hope for a legitimate basket, and a -- a dream to inbound the basketball and cross half court just once. A team with no 8th graders, seven vertically challenged 6th graders, four 5th graders, all led by one fearless, charming, and slightly HUSKY 7th grader. It is a story that can make you laugh, it made coach McBuckets cry, but you come across some interesting stories during times like this, so the West TN Box Score gladly brings you "A Coaches Blog".
Game 10
Opponent 33 Us 11
That’s right folks, double digits, and only a 22 point loss. Should be happy times here in McBuckets Land. The bleeder had a second consecutive game without bleeding - he did however complain of chest pains, and an arm pain. Maybe he was having a heart attack, I dont know. Our best player made his season debut with a padded cast and one arm, and made an instant impact with a jumper and two assist, one handed mind you. So why so down you ask? Our team was on fire and the offensive flood brought joy to the town. Ahh, the coaching catch, with success comes many snares. Last night was the most I have ever let those little turds have it, great attitudes turned bad and I’m big into attitude and body language, even when we are not very good, actually when we’re not very good it becomes an even bigger deal to me. I changed the lineup around a little - not that it really matters - and I had kids start pouting. Instead of being happy our best players returning, we are mad because I’m not starting. I had a kid being coached from the crowd and listen - another pet peeve of mine. I was out of Time outs so in an empty gym where you can hear every word I’m screaming at the ref to call a foul or call a tech on me so we can stop play and put this kid on the bench, his whole way down I’m raking him about deciding who he is going to listen too. Meanwhile on the court we were taking selfish shots, looked people off... &%*$, I had no idea we had enough ability to look someone off, but by george we did. Afraid another kid might get a little attention, better not give them ball. I can take not being very good, some of our skill set issues is not their fault, its just the hand they’ve been dealt. At times I feel a little over the top because I'm dealing with 5th grade kids, but I am a big believer in taking care of the things you can control, and one of those things is your attitude. Our glorious night will turn to a dark day tomorrow in practice, but in the long run they will be better men for it. McBuckets Out.
Game 9
Opponent 30 Us 7
After being defeated 102-0 in our last two outings, we decided to make a change in the starting lineup tonight - to shake things up a bit. Oftentimes, starters respond after some time on the bench, and bench players relish the opportunity to hear their names called out. I would attribute this move to our success, but this is actually the fourth different starting lineup we have had this year, and before the year is over, every member of our team will start. (We have adopted and implemented the NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND ACT into our basketball program.) With the new lineup, the lid was off the rim, and the floodgates opened as our offense hit high gear. We made a layup, a jump shot from the corner, a set shot from the elbow, and a free throw. The highlight of the night may have come on the baseline jumper. It was our first Field Goal in three games, a high point of sorts for our program. The best part was the players' reaction; they forgot what happens when you score. The kid who hit the shot looked like Jim Valvano when NC State won it all…he was running down the court with his arms out in pure joy! The rest of our team thought we were playing pick-up ball, a little make-it-take-it action. I had one kid who grabbed it out of the net, trying to inbound it, and three more ready to catch and shoot as the other team wandered why we wouldn’t give them the ball back. ($*%, we scored and liked it, wanted some more of it). On a bright note, the opposing coach actually benched his best players before the fourth quarter was over and did not put them back in. He played all 5th- and 6th-graders in the second half (which finished 8-6, a huge positive for us) and was truly a nice guy. In closing, not only was this our best game of the year, but the bleeder made it through a game without bleeding, an accomplishment we addressed in the post-game as the other kids gave him kudos all around for his success. -McBuckets Out
Game 8
Opponent 42 Us 0
One of the great thrills of middle school basketball is the classic DAY GAME. Today we left school at 10:00 AM and headed off to the weakest school on our schedule—nothing like not even getting 24 hours to recover from a 40-point loss. I used to think one of the great things about basketball was that if you got beat, unlike football, you don’t have to wait a whole week to play again, you can get right back out there and compete again, put it behind you quickly. I took that philosophy from one of my mentors. Now that I’m here, that has to be the most $*#& all stupid philosophy I have ever heard. I would kill for a week between games and an 11-game season right now. But I digress, on to tonight's game. Opponent 40 Us 0 I blame our lack of offensive production on a lack of time to prepare for this game. Currently, our offensive numbers are very similar to those of a struggling Major League Baseball team’s first 8 games. Sometimes watching the little terds, I don’t know if they know what sport they're playing; that may be our problem, we're playing the wrong sport. One of the great perks of coaching is that it comes with a license to be a smart$&$ to kids. Usually, it's the other way around, but coaching is the one exception where the adult gets to give it back a little. I have always enjoyed that about coaching; I could vent a little frustration. Oh, but not here, nope, there is nothing I get to enjoy. After the first quarter today (we were pressed the entire first quarter, by the way), I realized I have used the same smart$&$ comments OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again with this group to the point they are no longer funny to me, my players, or the fans. There are only so many times I can scream, “We're wearing the Black jerseys today,” when we pass it to the other team without it getting old. Twice we crossed half court in the first quarter, only to have similar turnovers, leaving me yelling at my point guard, “The wall is always open!” That's a good quote once a season, but it plays out quickly when you say it twice in a quarter. Moments later, my point guard dribbled the ball directly off his foot right in front of the bench, and I had to stop myself from telling him, “I’ve seen better handles on a suitcase”. It’s frustrating; I feel sorry for my guys, and sarcasm doesn't help or work in the current situation we're in, so now I have to leave out one of my favorite parts of coaching for the remainder of the year: being a smart$%$. I will miss it dearly. I think we're off for the rest of the week, I really don’t know. I haven’t looked at the schedule. Why would I? McBuckets out.
Game 7
Opponent 60 Us 0
As I sit here with my 12-oz Coke and this other bottle, I would like to thank everyone for their kind emails, phone calls, and words of sympathy and understanding. Not to sound like a jerk to those who have supported me, but all you coaches that keep telling me, “I’ve been there, we have been through the same thing, bla bla bla bla bla!!!!!!!” I say to you - NO $*(&#(& WAY YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS! Heck, the poor schmuck who coached Handsville to all those losses back in the early 90s can’t even begin to comprehend what is going on here. With that I bring you tonight's game. Opponent 60 Us 0 Our opponent had 72 shot attempts, and we had 1. All I could see was Bob Uecker’s character Harry Doyle on the movie Major League staring at the stat sheet. “1 hit, 1 %&* hit”. 1 field goal attempt, let that sink in. Lets just say we had a hard time shaking off the Thanksgiving break rust that most teams endure. Tonight the opposing coach talked to me before the game, and I quote, “I really had second thoughts about playing our starters in the second half last time.” I’ll give him his due, his starters only played in the first quarter tonight. Here is the kicker though, his second unit played almost the entire rest of the game, his actual young kids only played about a minute. Its 30 to zip at half-time and we have not shot yet, get those little turds on the end of your bench some action. The kids that played is really not what bothered me, it was in the second half when they finally got out of the press, coach decided to work on his half court trap. We never quite figured it out, 1 bleeping shot attempt. I spent the entire third quarter opening gatorade bottles because my guys couldn’t get the top off. They were on to tight. GEEZ!!!!! In closing, I have to tell you about this one kid on my team. Every game we have played, the kid has bled….he bleeds like a tomato that lost a fight with a sandwich knife. He has had an elbow bleed, a nose bleed, an ankle bleed, a knee blee, and now back to back fingernail bleeds. He is single handedly keeping Johnson & Johnson in business. McBuckets Out
Game 6
Opponent 48 Us 8
Tonight put my mind at ease just a little bit. When you become a coach you find out a lot about yourself, and other people. Up until tonight I was really starting to get concerned. Most of our games have been played against coaches I have known for a while, some games have been against personal friends, some have been against lifelong acquaintances, and some have even been against former roommates. I say all this to get to my point. Up until this season I always viewed myself as a little selfish and self-absorbed, but for the most part a pretty good guy, and a pretty likable guy. I thought I was a good friend, a good roommate, and a nice guy to share some stories with, but after the way coaches have been “getting their guys some work” against us, I had begun to think that I must have been one of the biggest A’holes to have ever lived. Not only do we stink, everyone hates the A’hole coach. Tonight we played against another coach I grew up with and he played it as well as one could, and I truly appreciate that. And with that I bring you tonight's 8 point offensive onslaught. First possession of the game, 15 footer from the left corner, bang! 2-2. What a relief to score in the first 15 seconds of the game and not have to worry about that the rest of the night. The defense decided to not guard the corner on the left side, every player on our team got to shoot at least one shot from the left corner, and every bucket we scored was from the left corner. The best moment from the night…were down 18-2 and we worked the ball to the left corner. We have a kid who had just missed three in row and finally made one to make it 18-4. I call a time out to get some subs in, my kids are stoked because they don’t realize they are just letting us shoot. My 5th grade point guard looks at me in the huddle and gives the whole team an inspirational speech. He tells us, “We're getting wide open in the corner, if Bucky will just make a few more shots will be right in this one!” You gotta love the optimism. Tomorrow we will work on the left corner jump shot. -McBuckets out!
Game 4 & 5
Opponent 55 Us 3
Opponent 36 Us 7
I have learned a lot about coaching and coaches over the last few years and would like to share one of the great secrets of this fraternity with you. It's not really a secret, but it's seldom taught. I have never been to a clinic about it, but I learn more about it every year. Before I go any furthe,r let me tell you a story. There have been many coaching legends, men I look upon as larger than life, men whom communities have looked upon as larger than life. Then I became a coach and met some of these jack legs. Most of them are not really that bright at all, some of them are no smarter than I am, and that's not very smart. Most of them can’t really coach for crap. One coach in particular always amazed me, for he was considered a guru of sorts, but all he ever did was take an AAAA ball club and play an A schedule - pretty good odds. Some of you may be wondering what the heck is McBuckets trying to say, his teams can’t get the ball across half court, and he’s bashing unnamed coaching legends. I’m just here to tell you, great coaches don't get near the credit as their contemporaries - GREAT SCHEDULERS! That is the greatest coaching move of all time. Today I made an idiotic move on my scheduling. Two games I can't possibly win or even compete in on the same day. What a Jack@#$! I need a clinic on scheduling soon. Game 4 (55-3) Whew, thank the Lord they did not play any of their 8th graders, or this would have been a long one. We have put a focus on such things as Free Throw Shooting, and it really paid off in this baby…3-15 from the line thanks to some generous calls. As the season progresses, as a coach, sometimes you can’t help but have favorites. One of my 5th graders has definitely positioned himself up my list of all-time favs. Today, he became the first player on our team this season to foul out of the ball game, and he supplied me with another jewel of a story. The horn blows for his 5th foul, I send in another brace gladiator as he comes to the bench - time passes - he taps my shoulder, I turn, and he says with eagerness, “Coach McBuckets, when am I going back in?” I say, “Son you can't go back in after you foul out.” he says, (with a look of confusion), “What does that mean?” I explain to him that you only get five fouls in a game and after that you have to sit out the rest of the day. I should have chosen my words more carefully. The kid looks at me, heartbroken, he has tears coming up in his eyes, and he says, “So I won't get to play in the next game?” Golden, the kid is golden. I had to re-explain that it was 5 fouls per game not just in a day. Scheduling only one game could have eliminated such confusion. But, at least the kid really loves basketball, and that puts him way ahead of a lot of our team. Game 5 (36-7) What can I say, the offense was in high gear come the nightcap. Free Throws, running bank shots, a whirling dervish that ends in another bank shot from dead in the corner (we practice that a lot) CASH MONEY! They really had no answer for us. Their Coach, what a nice man, and that jungle friend of mine, the zebra, underrated animal, I love ‘em. I don’t know if you noticed in the heading, but we only lost by 29. Wow, we were hot, but it could be because I got hot. Seldom in a season like this do I waste my time yelling at these kids or being a jerk. We stink, and acting like an ass isn’t going to help, but I did snap today. Have you ever seen Christmas Vacation? Of course you have. Do you remember the scene when everybody was going to go home before things got worse, and Chevy Chase (Clark Griswald) gives the old, “Worse, Worse, Worse, how could anything get worse?” or maybe you remember when Allen Iverson was asked about practice, “Practice, Practice, we're talking about practice!” I found myself in a similar situation at halftime when I snapped bad on those little turds. I kept saying the same thing over and over again. Let me set this up for you. It's 28-2, we're walking into the locker room. Up to this point, this group of kids has been selfless if nothing else. Truly proud of each other's accomplishments, we stink, but their attitudes have been great. I have a turd of questionable character, maybe the only one left on the team, as I kicked off all the good players within my first week there (brilliant move). Anyway, I hear this kid make a comment about one of our other kids needs to quit being a ball hog. This led to my momentary loss of sanity as my rant began like this…” Ball Hog!!! Ball Hogg!!!, Did you say Ball Hogg!!! How do we know if we have a Ball Hogg, seeing we have only crossed half court 3 times today….Ball Hogg!!! Ball Hogg!!!” After that, it gets hazy. I remember slapping the door and telling him not to let it hit him if I ever hear him say something so stupid again. I went into a good 3-minute rant on attitude, and those kids' faces looked like a room full kids who just found out Santa Clause, well you know. Total Shock. It worked as the second half score was 8-5, granted they only played 5th and 6th graders, again what a nice coach. But I still think the little rant brought them all closer together. Thankful for a few days off and Thanksgiving, until the next edition. McBuckuts Out
Game 3
Opponent 72 Us 2
What can I say, the offense stalled! This was one of those games where, in the first half, the other team could not have treated us better; no press, and their entire team saw action. 42-0 at halftime…I had noticed they finished the half with kids the same size as mine, so I got really fired up at halftime. I went Newt Rockne on the kiddos, and then I broke out the dry-erase magic once again. Houdini, David Blaine, and some cat named Copperfield- none of them had anything on the magic I had created. It was beautiful, and my guys were pumped. When we went to take the court for the third quarter, the smoke had cleared, and the mirrors had busted because the team we were playing was not the young kids. 42-0, and they felt like they needed to get their starters a little more work in. My magic couldn't work against the older kids, and the onslaught continued as their varsity players gained valuable experience against our stellar ball-handling and defensive prowess. The Zebra (I am really beginning to actually like refs) came by and promised me you will score tonight. Late in the fourth quarter my 5th grade point guard comes out of a pack, after double dribbling he proceeded to run, ohhhh, about five steps or so with the ball, the referee blows his whistle to call the walk, the kid heaves the ball and it banks in from the free throw line (he was wide open from the five steps he just took) the ref starts the walk motion, changes it to basket good, and then calls an and 1 on an invisible defender! Yeah baby, ten points on the season now. The best part of the night was the kids’ attitudes pregame. I sit on the girls' bench and tell the guys they can get dressed when the clock starts for the 4th quarter. I’m sitting on the bench looking across the gym at my guys, and I notice them all staring at the clock. The little terds are just waiting, as soon as the first second ticks off in the fourth quarter, they jump up and sprint (I have trained them to travel in a straight line) in a perfectly straight line to the locker room. They can’t wait to get on the court, so far this season has not dampened their enthusiasm in any way, so we've got that going for us. McBuckets Out!
Game 2
Opponent 61 Us 4
Game 2 Hooray! We hit our $%^#%^@ average. Defense tightened up tonight after some brilliant coaching on our off day between games. Have I ever told you that some people are idiots? Well, they are. Our opponent's coach was one of these "special kind of people" you sometimes meet (A male Karen of sorts). Not lacking in the sense of ACT score intelligence but completely void of any %$*(#@$ COMMON SENSE! He scouted our 80 to 4 game a few days ago, he knew exactly what we had, he came out and pressed the crap out of us!!! Classic, but it gets better. Two minutes have passed, and the score is 16-0, and we have yet to have a player touch the ball except for the kid throwing it inbounds. I call a thirty, work up some dry erase magic, the kind of stuff John Wooden would have looked at and said, "That was good coach!". We complete an inbounds pass, my kid holds the ball directly out in front of him, one of their players gingerly places his hands on the sides of the ball for an obvious jump ball, and the zebra, who is as fed up with the press as I am, calls a foul. This moron throws a screaming fit. It is 16-0, it is middle school, and this jackleg is screaming at the ref. The Zebra, who is a cool cat, throws the ball down and runs across the court, gets in the guy's face and tells him to sit down and not speak again for the rest of the night (no tech though, and we could have used the FT!). Line of the night came after the game, after defeats of 80-4 and 61-4, a parent came up to me and said, "We sure can see a lot of improvement in our kids," and he was dead serious. Mcbuckets out
Game 1
Opponent 80 Us 4
Game 1 The hardest thing to do as a proud coach of a really, really, really weak team is to try and forewarn the opposing coach of just what he or she is in for. As a matter of fact, it's just embarrassing, and you don't want to be that $&%#@ asking someone to go easy on you. The funny thing is, coaching is an art, and nobody believes you when you say, "We suck". The coach looked at me as I tried to explain my situation, and he gives me the "Now coach, it can't be that bad". Seeing how his team was all 7th and 8th graders, and they jumped out to a quick 58 to 0 lead, he finally agreed with me. The story of the night comes from our husky leader, who poured in half our team's total points. I had told them before the game not to look at the scoreboard; I had a gut feeling the game might just get out of hand. I ask them to just try and get better, look for ways to improve, and try to execute just one thing. After the game, my husky star says with a pure heart, "Coach, I really tried not looking at that scoreboard, but I caught myself peeking once or twice". The kid is golden, I just smiled and said, "Me too son, me too." McBuckets Out.